Another Satan's Angel MC Tale
Chapter One
No Regrets
I’d never been one of those guys that wondered how it felt
to kill someone. I mean; I never gave it a thought. Looking back on things now,
as I wait for “The” day to come closer. I have no regrets. Maybe that’s what’s
wrong with me or more like what’s right. I guess that’s not for me to say. I
know deep down what happened was right. Some cop in a cheap suit asked me once
if I ever thought that there was another way to handle the situation. Funny, that
made me chuckle. I thought about my answer for a while before I replied, telling
him “no”. For me it’s that simple really. I learned in that moment, that things
are much more clear cut than we would like them to be.
It all comes down to choices really. We all have choices and
I made mine. There isn’t a single part of me that has ever second guessed my
decision. I own it unlike many people in this place who are trying desperately
to put the blame elsewhere. That has never been the case for me. I have no
problem looking at myself in the mirror. I make no apologies for who I am. I
don’t expect anyone to understand and I wouldn’t care if they did. I’m at peace
with myself at peace with what happened. I like myself just fine.
The lights went out as they always do at this time of night.
It’s hot in here like always on a summer nights. I’ve been here too damn long
waiting for my trail. I lay back trying to picture the summer night’s sky.
Closing my eyes I try to remember the smells of a summers evening and the
sounds that accompany it. The wonderful fragrances of hamburgers sizzling on a
hot grill waft past as I remember. I hear children, my children, laughing and
splashing. The giggles are shrill and piercing little girls are like that. I
smell the jasmine in the air coming from somewhere not too far off. I hear beer
cans as they are tossed into the large metal trashcan. Then I listen carefully as
the music off in the distance finally reaches my ears. I think its Bob Segar
deep and soulful.
I strain my senses wanting more of this night and I picture
the arrival of a pineapple upside down cake as it makes its appearance on the
picnic table. Mixed in with the music and the laughter and the children’s voices,
I hear that familiar roar coming closer. I close my eyes more tightly focusing
in on that sound. I can feel it as it comes closer. The sound getting louder
with each mile of asphalt it devours. The distant roar has turned into that all
too familiar rumble I love hearing. To me it sounds magical, like music,
rhythmic and rich. For me it touches something deep inside.
Then there’s a flash or chrome as the hypnotic machine
bursts onto the scene joining the party. I’ve imagined this a thousand times
yet I can never see the riders face, not that it matters. It could be me or any
one of my brothers I suppose. I’ve learned to force myself to sleep even when I
don’t feel tired because I know its better for me. It keeps me alert and at the
top of my game. I’ve needed that edge here just like I’ve needed my dreams and
fantasies. They have kept me sane and humble and true to myself as I wait for
tomorrow to finally come.
Tonight however, sleeps just not in the cards as the screams
of some tortured soul further down the block make it impossible. I have
replayed that night like a movie over and over. I have looked at the situation
carefully looking high and low; watching every subtle nuance waiting to see if
the outcome could have been different. Now as I watch it playing as if in slow
motion. I realize that in doing so I am second guessing myself. Then I tell
myself “No” I’m only trying to reassure myself that I was right. In spite of
what anyone else may think or say. I remained true to my personal code; unlike
the law today because I believe in justice and an eye for an eye. I believe
that and I will protect that belief even if it means losing my life or my
freedom. The actions taken were justified no verdict will ever change that in
my mind or my heart. It is a fact; simple and true. I have come to realize that
given the opportunity I would do it again without hesitation.
Slowly, I roll over onto my side to avoid the harshness of
my bunk. I never face the wall not allowing myself to be vulnerable. Especially
not at night after all I’m not alone in here. I trust only myself. Even my
cellmate of the past year will forever remain suspect. You never know who might
want to make a name for themselves in this place. Or maybe make a buck. You can
never be certain so I remain cautious especially after dark. At least in this
world things are far more cut and dried than on the outside. Infractions are
dealt with harshly and justice is swift. Hostilities always boil over and there
is always an end result.
I hear the train in the background it sounds off as it
approaches the intersection. I can smell the scent of orange blossoms in the
night air. I knew tonight my daughters were with my Mother seeing a movie. I
know that later she will take them out for ice cream before they return to her
house that has now become their home. My oldest Kimmy she’s seven all girly, pink
and frilly. I’d bet she brought along her sparkly Little Mermaid backpack
loaded to the top with all her favorite things. She’s like that she holds onto
things. She is my oldest and a beautiful child. She is warm, kind and very
smart. I fell in love with her the moment she entered the world.
She has a smile that can light up the night. My beautiful
little girl was always smiling until he came along. She was only six when it
started. The change in her was dramatic. That smile was gone along with the
giggly laughter then the silliness it all disappeared. She became quiet, sullen
and bad tempered. It broke my heart to see the change in her but I listened to
my x-wife, who assured me it was only a phase. I now know it was because she
was broken and no one including me knew it back then. I grit my teeth just
thinking about it. I want to scream allowing the rage to break through. The
knot in my stomach reappears. I begin sweating as the anger wells up inside me
once more. I suppose it will never go away because some part of it is directed
at me.
My youngest Nicky is four now. She’s still all babyish. My little
towhead she’s still cuddly, smelling like the sandbox she loves so much. Nicky
is the polar opposite of her big sister. She is a tomboy. She loves dirt, mud
pies, trucks and motorcycles. She hates pink, prefers her little jeans to
dresses. I remember it was always a fight to get her to dress up which usually
resulted in bribery. Thankfully she responded well to that which allowed for
the perfect Christmas photos. I have always loved to listen to her talk. Her
little voice sounds like music to my ears. I remember holding her in my lap the
first time I took her for a ride on my bike the look on her face was priceless.
My x-wife’s name was Darla and I was crazy about her. She
was tall and blond the exact opposite of me. She had never been on a motorcycle
before and although she was scared at first she learned to enjoy it. We went
everywhere together. I was head over heels for the girl. Later we got married
and had our two babies. We were happy, life was good or so I thought. We shared
the girls with my Mom who lived near us and her folks when they visited from Oregon. During all of
that I started my own construction company and was doing fairly well. We were
able to buy a nice house and drive nice cars and save a little money too.
I guess I should mention, I was a Satan’s Angel when Darla
met me. I got my patch before I was old enough to drink. It is something I take
very seriously. My brothers became part of my family. We are a close bunch;
closer than most. Many of us grew up in the same neighborhoods. We went to
school together, played sports together. None of us were the poor kids from the
wrong side of the tracks as some reporters like to portray us. No, we all grew
up in middle class homes in suburban neighborhoods. Our folks worked hard, some
got divorced like my folks but that was about it. I’d never been in any real
trouble before of after joining the club; well until now. You see unlike
popular belief not everyone that rides a motorcycle is a criminal.
When Darla and I first were together I remember she loved
being around my brothers. She loved going to the parties and going on runs; it
was part of what made her perfect for me. I guess we’d been together two years
before we got married. The truth be told I couldn’t have been happier. I had
Darla, my Mom, my brothers and a business that was growing nicely. Darla smoked
a little pot now and then but hell so did I. Every once in a while we’d do a bump before a
run. It was no big deal at least that’s how I saw it then. Later I would change
my mind about that but hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
When Darla and I had Kimmy I was on top of the world. She
was a gift and thankfully she was the spitting image of her Mother. I fell head
over heels in love the moment she was born. You hear people talk about bonding
and that connection they have to their children but you can never really
understand it until you have your own. In that moment I got it! She was
captivating I loved watching her. I was fascinated by everything she did. Sadly
my Darla was tired, very tired. The pregnancy had worn her out. She was down in
the dumps and sullen all the time. I later found out this behavior was called
the baby blues or postpartum depression. I sent her to visit her folks for two
weeks and when she returned she was much better.
I didn’t know that at that time she was taking a little
speed here and there. She was using it as a pick me up. She never told me and I
never suspected. Darla was pretty straight laced; that’s part of what I loved
about her. She wasn’t the usual party girl she had a good compass or so I
thought. During that time Darla had lost what seemed to me, to be a lot of
weight in the two years since Kimmy was born. Even with the speed she somehow
managed to still look tired. I understood that a busy two year old was a lot to
handle and chalked it up to that. I found out almost by accident that all along
Darla was buying speed here and there from one of my brothers. As it turned out
she’d become a very regular customer. The entire time my brother thought I
knew. Of course after our chat Darla was off his customer list.
That night Darla and I had a huge fight. I was really angry with
her disappointed really. I sent Kimmy to my Mothers for the weekend so Darla
and I could make some sense of the situation. There were scores of angry words
and tears. Funny I learned a valuable lesson that weekend. There are two things
you can’t take back in life; a bullet and the spoken word. Sadly we both said
things we would come to regret later. Some of her words cut deep and I’ll
always carry those scars. Yet in the end we made up and made love like never before.
I can still hear her promising that she would never take anything unless we
were together. Drugs were never really my thing. I’m a beer drinker and that is
usually reserved for parties, bars and on runs. My Mom and Dad drank but never
at home and I guess I just followed in their footsteps. I wanted that for my
kids too.
Six weeks later Darla told me she thought she was pregnant.
I took her out for a special romantic dinner. Once again I felt like I was on
top of the world. Things were good between us and best of all she was off the
stuff. Our little Kimmy was growing like a weed. She was sassy, happy and
beautiful like her mother. During all this my Mom had a scare with breast
cancer which thankfully was proven to be a false alarm. My business continued
to steadily grow. Looking across the white tablecloth at my gorgeous wife I
knew in that moment that I was the luckiest man alive. My brother’s wives threw
Darla a huge baby shower. Later that spring my chubby little cherub was born,
kicking and screaming her bald head off.
I was beside myself as I stood there holding this struggling
bundle of joy. I sensed from the start that she and her big sister were total opposites. My heart was so full in that sterile delivery room I
thought it might burst. The nurses seemed so surprised that their stereotype
idea of who I was were shot all to hell. I was on top of the world it was true
I was one lucky sob. Moments later I noticed how quiet Darla was. She laid
there watching me with an odd expression on her lovely face. She wasn’t smiling
something in her expression made me feel sorry for her. She didn’t ask to hold
the baby but I gently laid her on her chest anyway. I didn’t see the same look
on her face as when Kimmy was born. I remember now that it worried me a little
but I managed to chase those thoughts away, for awhile.
After Nicky was born nothing was ever the same between Darla
and me. She went through the motions of her daily life; but that was it. She
was just going through the motions. The kids were clean and well fed. The house
was the model of cleanly living and the girls were dressed like two little
princesses. Everyday Darla put one foot in front of the other but she rarely
smiled. She rarely looked at me when I look back she never made eye contact
with me. Over time I came to realize that she was less and less affectionate with
the girls, not in the way she used to be. I finally forced her to go the doctor
going along for support. He told us Darla’s situation was not uncommon
especially since she’d suffered from post partum depression after her first
birth. It wasn’t much of a jump to
believe she was suffering from the same thing again.
Good to know I thought as we filled her new prescriptions. In
a very short period of time it seemed as though I had Darla back. Of course I still
continued to worry about her distant relationship to baby Nicky. It was so
strange. My Mom could see it too and we tried to make up for the missing
attention. Always a believer Mom assured me that she would come around and
things would get better but they didn’t. As the girls grew and changed it was
apparent that Darla was on autopilot. We rarely talked anymore. In the past I’d
shared everything with her and now there was this wall keeping me out. There
were no demonstrations of affection towards one another. We’d stopped making
love somewhere in the mist of all the indifference. Our house was a cold place
now. I hoped the girls couldn’t feel what I felt. They were the only bright
spot for me. During that time I kept my nose to the grind stone hoping that
something would change. I learned first hand to be careful what you wish for. I
was wishing for change unable to imagine at the time the change that was
coming!